On Monday, Sept 30th, I woke up and knew I was done drinking. I've a long history of 2-3 glasses of wine a night and have been dealing with an esophageal ulcer since spring. I had quit drinking for a month like the dr said I should (well okay, it was really for 3 weeks and 5 days) but most of that time I was counting down until I could have my wine again. I was doing good until I went out with friends and ended up having 5-6 drinks and the pain in my gut came back but this time it had a message for me. It said your body can't handle it anymore so just leave it.
I was planning a trip down to the lake an hour from my house to float around in the water and decided to take with me the last of the canned margarita I had from a recent trip as my "last" drink. I couldn't even get half of it down and poured the rest out. I didn't tell anyone my plan to quit but I did say it out loud to myself at the lake and lo and behold that night Soberful was on my YouTube feed and I clicked on it and watched a few videos and was immediately encouraged that I could handle this major life change.
I was really afraid of the fomo and have been for a long time. Over the last year I did a program called Sunnyside where you use mindfulness to decrease intake and make a plan every week for how much and when you will drink. I did pretty good on it but that is not the answer for me. It is only telling in that I have spent a lot of wasted time feeling guilt and shame in the mornings only to have it washed away at night with a nice glass of red. I see the insanity of it and feel very empowered to close this chapter of my life and see what is out there for me on the other side of a bottle of wine.
Earlier in September I wrote a bunch of new songs thanks to one of my favorite humans, Shanna In A Dress. Shanna is a fantastic songwriter, song crafter, song examiner, song spinner, song prompter, song inspirer and just one of the most singable/snuggable humans on the planet!!
One of the prompts she gave us was to write a song about a resentment. I wrote Bee’s Knees in response to that and she helped me take it from a softly pleading uke song into a rockin’ not gonna take it anymore guitar song and it gives me so much pleasure to sing it to an imagined bottle of wine!! It’s been jerking me around for a long time telling me all was fine when it wasn’t. The line, I’m out of here “friend” is pure snark, it’s not. My friend.
I know the road ahead won’t always be easy and I will have that gaslighting voice in my head telling me all is well and one or two won’t hurt anything. I know that’s not true anymore and I feel a real sense of not going back but any and all support is welcome!
I’m going to be playing Bee’s Knees and a setlist of other originals this Friday, October 11th at the wonderful Box Canyon Brewing Co where I will enjoy a gorgeous prickly pear kombucha!! Always, if you are anywhere near local, please come out and join me!
of course i'm not staying after you leave
there is nothing for me here but time to grieve
the questions you fire are they for me or for you
talking seems a waste if you want to know the truth
don't JERK me around with your fake empathy
love bombs are filled with cruel intensity
when they go off I'm left out here to freeze
you are not, will never be...the bees knees
you think you have won me with silly dialogue
Then blow up at me like you do with your dog
but I'll not lie down and wait for your treats
i'm out of here friend, free to do as I please
don't JERK me around with your fake empathy
love bombs are filled with cruel intensity
when they go off I'm left out here to freeze
you are not, will never be...the bees knees
Don’t get me wrong, I like your dog just fine
Still I say so long to the land mines
don't JERK me around with your fake empathy
love bombs are filled with cruel intensity
when they go off I'm left out here to freeze
you are not, will never be...the bees knees
You are not, will never be…the bee’s knees
Wow! Great lyrics, and a bold decision. My hat's off to you.