Waiting in lines, waiting in lobbies

waiting on lies to be told

Waiting in lines, waiting in lobbies, waiting on lies to be told

Waiting on time, waiting on my mind to slow

Can I pause to notice the air on my skin, can I pause to notice that little grin that I feel coming over me when I notice I am content

Going slow today I noticed the pains when I walked my path around the house, they loosened a bit but not enough to go more than my goal for the day

But that is enough, my goal is to go slow, slower than I usually go so that I can know my feelings, my emotions when they rise within my body

Too many times I haven’t been aware that I was feeling something, something that wanted to be shared with me, for me, by me

Who is this sharer in my own body, who is this being that wants to be seen and known

My blood pumping in my veins, my heart thumping in my ears, warmth in my chest rising up my throat, what is this feeling, what wants to be known now, and the next now

Breathing in and out, slowly and steadily my abdomen rises and falls and I have come to rely on my little mantra even though I am not sure if I always believe it.

Breath in a prayer for my body, breathe out and I am home

To feel at home in my body is fleeting but I have been amazed to sink into the knowing that it is so, if only for brief moments of time when I am at my stillest, quiet and patient, waiting in lines, waiting in lobbies, waiting on lies to be told

Waiting on time, waiting on my mind to slow

Can I pause to notice that right now my leg doesn’t hurt, can I pause to notice I was trying to flirt with that little bird that jumps down to feed before I even have a chance to walk away

The bird with yellow eyes that eye me from the side and a beak that curves down in a constant frown

The day just beginning, another and another, last night I dreamt of my mother 

Waiting in line, waiting in lobbies, waiting on lies to be told

Waiting on time, waiting on my mind to slow

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There is a coup happening and it is very dark and disturbing out there. I watched too much again last night but gave myself some grace for that. When the world is on fire, its kinda hard to look away. But I have to remember that I am a highly sensitive human and that not all the pain I feel in my body is actually mine.

I fell asleep repeating a mantra- I release all energy and emotion that is not mine. I did. it lovingly, both for those whose pain I have absorbed (my gay and trans friends and others so greatly affected by what is happening) and for myself, for my body, for my heart. I felt a release that allowed me to fall asleep relaxed and at ease.

The US govt is on fire and the arsonist is still pouring gas on the flames and it’s hard to see anyone able or willing to stop him. It’s hard for me to look away because I fear the flames are headed in so many directions including my own. But staring too long is also very dangerous. My eyes start to burn and my head pounds. My lungs are tight and my skin is hot and dry. I need to, I have to jump into cool waters to survive.

One of the coolest waters I have at my disposal is my music, my songs. I’ve chosen the one I want to record as my first single. It’s the first song I wrote about sobriety but I think it is much more universal than that although sobriety represents freedom for me and freedom is one of the most universal dreams I know of.

I get to play my songs one last time at my favorite venue to play, in Socorro on Saturday, the 22nd. Box Canyon Brewing Co is sadly closing its doors on the last day of this month. I am sad but very honored to get to play one last set.

What are the cool waters at your disposal? Do you have something to jump into to calm your nervous system? I’d love to hear about them, about you. Please share what you are experiencing and how you are coping. We need each other and we need to know what works.

I’d like to say a special thank you to the many new subscribers that have found their way to me of late. Sobriety brings many gifts. And sobriety brings me, at least, more cool water to jump into. Here is the gift of song, the one I hope to get recorded in the not so distant future. Break Me Free…

Be at peace my friends, in any way you can get to it. All my love, TerriSunflower

“This might be longer than a song but it’s mine to sing, mine to share” ~TSF

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