We still have today

and that is enough

Hey Y’all,

I hope you are enjoying your today. I want you to know I think about you and intend to write this newsletter a little more often than I do. I haven’t written any songs since December as I promised myself I wouldn’t. It feels weird, to be honest. But I am writing. In the sobriety group I am a part of there are two writing meetings on Sunday. I write most weeks in that group. A couple weeks ago I attended both meetings and wrote something helpful each time. It has been very therapeutic for me and for right now at least, might be better than songwriting.

You see, my best friend got a cancer diagnosis last May. Since then, and with the help of my siblings from time to time, I have been taking care of him. And, he has managed to still take care of me in the process. We are nearing the end of the journey. Not yet. We still have today and that’s enough.

In these writing sessions, I ask myself a lot of questions. They are for me to answer. I sit with the questions in my meditations or while on the back porch watching the birds, which is it’s own meditation. One thing I know for sure is that I am so very honored and blessed to be where I am, to be with my best friend and to walk beside him on this journey.

This week was hard but also brought relief to me. My dad got admitted to home hospice so now I have hospice nurses I can call for questions or concerns. The literature they brought is really helpful too. We didn’t have this when I did hospice nursing over 20 years ago now. It has been a minute.

me and my bestie last June in Rockport, MA

The prompt for the writing a couple weeks ago was “what emotions are you still sitting with”. It was a week and a half after he told the oncologist he wasn’t going to take any more treatment. Sometimes I am not able to access what exactly I am feeling. Writing helps me get there.

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The grief and sadness that my dad is dying

The uncertainty of not knowing when or how long

until the real grief sets in

When we left the oncology office I sobbed briefly

While he was in the restroom

Was he sobbing too?

We left there and went for ice cream made into shakes

Did ice cream freeze over the feelings

It has been a week and a half since the frozen concoction filled my belly

10 days of watching him decline since the decision

Am I floating around each day wondering

Am I grounded in the reality that we only have this day

Or this one

Did the freezing of my sadness cause me to ignore my own body the day

When my nephew visited and I forgot to eat

Did I forget though or was I just too frozen to meet my own needs

He has been weaker the last few days

Blood pressure is low

I can turn into the nurse, the caregiver, the dishwasher

Do the tasks, make the soup

Watch the British baking show together at night

Say goodnight dad, I love you

See you in the morning

Then the morning comes and he sleeps late

Will this be the morning that he doesn’t get out of bed

Am I afraid

Yes

Did the sadness freeze into fear

Do I have to be strong

Can I ask for help

Can I ask for hospice

Can I go back to sadness and sit there a while longer

The thought comforts me

Not to dwell there but to visit it again

Without ice cream to make it all better

Without knowing if I can even weather

The storm that is approaching

The wind that threatens to carry me away

Is this what sadness feels like

Like a quiet house

On a Sunday morning in March

He is napping as he does every day at this time

Sometimes I have to look close to see his abdomen rising

I see it and I turn away

We still have today

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I have a gig tomorrow. I am playing a set for Sunday Sessions at the Capitol Bar and Brewery here in Socorro. Probably my last for a while. Our neighbor is planning to bring my dad, my #1 fan, to see my set. I am crossing all my fingers and toes that he will feel up to it.

I also have news about recording but that is for paid subscribers so if you aren’t one of those, no biggie, I’ll just say so long for now.

This might be longer than a song but it’s mine to sing. TTFN, TerriSunflower